Lost and Found

Sometimes, I feel distant to myself. I am taken in by events happening to disconnected people. False happiness directed to disconnected events happening to someone, someplace elsewhere. Suddenly, I am all for coming out of the spell cast by that false smile. Suddenly, I know I have moved far ahead, or have being left far behind. Suddenly it's all about me, and not what other people have to do with another set of other people. Suddenly, I realize I am lost in a communication breakdown. I am lost in messages and sms that dont reach, I am lost in emails that bounce, in calls that are not returned. In missed calls. In wrong email ids. Suddenly, I know I am typing the wrong words, offering the wrong shoulder, crying for the wrong person - am in the wrong time and wrong place altogether. Something tells me I am waiting for the thing that has long gone by, past me, past in time. Everything points me to the same.

In the past 3 years, when I really did bother about a few things and persons around me, I seldom found anything or anyone taking a few steps back to come back to me. I pulled myself along. I dont remember giving a second thought to similar beings before that ever. I think I am moving backwards. People cut down on more people with time and age. After a few years, I know what will matter dear to me would be my credit card number and my company privay policy. Atleast under the normal scheme of things. And then I would be wasting a few hundred bucks talking about my best friend's latest failed affair. Or planning out the next holiday. And I know neither of them will ever mean anything to me.

My life is a an hour long power point presentation, which I have prepared for a bloody many hours, but have been asked to sketch out the murky details in five minutes, from a 6-slides-a-page handout. I am clueless what to stress on. These are details, but you don't have time for that, sir. I think all you wanted to know was a gist of everything I did, that's what we all want in this tearing hurry to move away from each other, the gist of things. Sometimes, we try doing that on people also, and we fail. To understand the gist of someone.

Oh, you just lost me. All I need is a blank screen in front of me, making no efforts to hide its indifference towards me.

Date A Girl Who Drinks

Date a girl who drinks. Date a girl who knows how to have fun. And by fun, meaning there’s almost always alcohol involved. Date a girl who knows how to let loose, how to go wild. Date the girl who would let the tequila take over once in a while, because a girl who drinks knows she’s just human, and that it’s acceptable to not be in control all the time.

You might bump into her in the club. Dancing with her girlfriends, a beer raised in one hand and a cigarette on the other, while her hips certainly not lying. She’ll be dressed very provocatively in a little black dress with a pair of snake skin 6-inch killer heels. Watch her and you’d see a girl living her life ludicrously, surrounded by her friends who would eventually leave to ‘go home’ with some guy they just met. 

Go up to her and introduce yourself. Buy her a drink. If she orders a Scotch neat, applaud her, and give yourself a pat on the back because a girl like her doesn't come around often. Dance with her, hold her close. Feel her body pressed onto yours, your breath mixing with hers. Learn to let go. Let go of yourself. The same way she let goes and let the alcohol win. She will look at you with lustful eyes, her hands gripping your shirt instead of vodka. She would lick her lips and look at yours under those heavy curled eyelashes. Kiss her. Then take her outside, by the back door. Leave her breathless. 

Or if not, you’ll see her in your local pub, sitting alone by the bar with a bottle of whiskey. She’s probably been there for a while, on her third glass or so. Sit two stools away from her and then ask her whether she thinks the bottle is half empty or half full. Stare into her eyes because you would see that she’s thinking, not with her mind, but with her heart. Then instead of answering, she would smile that little smile, and offer you a drink. Sit beside her for the rest of the night. Don’t make a move on her just yet, because a girl who drinks is also a girl who knows when a guy is interested. She’s probably have encountered countless of those. So a guy who’s being real, not trying to impress, is absolutely a breath of fresh air.

Try to get her number. Because a girl who drinks doesn't make her a girl who sleeps around —as the stereotype would go. She deserves more than drunk sex and the sneaking out the morning after, avoiding breakfast, avoiding complications. She deserves more than half-assed texts and booty calls. She deserves more than the promised "I’ll call you" that never comes. She deserves more than lust. She deserves more than love. Because a girl like her doesn't rely on love alone. She’s smarter than that.

May it be luck or fate playing with you that you meet this girl, take a chance on her because chance is all you've got. She might not be the one but she’s one in a million. Yes, there are other girls out there —decent, principled, better even. And this girl right here is the embodiment of incompetence, carelessness, and concupiscence. But she will make your wildest dreams come true, that none of your prim and proper girlfriends would ever dare to do.

Don’t trust this girl because she will betray you. But trust this girl because it’s a big risk to. She will be unfaithful to you for she had and will screw other men like she had screwed you. She doesn't expect you to stick around for long anyway, so don’t assume she’d commit. She will call you up only when she’s bored, bored of her friends, bored of her work, bored of her life. She would come running to you only because she needs something, something new, something different, something real. She’s selfish like that.

Don’t fall in love with this girl because she won’t do you any good. But love this girl for reasons you cannot understand. She won’t encourage you to do what’s best for you, instead she will seduce you into immorality. She will fuck you up and mess with your head. And when you’re lost in thought, overpowered by your own fears and feelings, she will be there for you. She will knock on your door at two in the morning with a 6-pack Heineken. She will say cheers with you and drown with you, because she knows how it feels to be alone, to have no one but alcohol to turn to. She will stay, let you get drunk in your problems, then she’ll drag you across the floor into your bed, tuck you in and kiss you goodnight.

Don’t worry about this girl because she’s certainly not thinking about you. But worry about this girl because she knows she can survive —and that’s the greatest threat she could ever hold against herself. Worry about her because she’s so used to detaching herself from everything and everyone around her. Instead of depending on liquor, show her that it’s okay to depend on someone for once. She probably won’t give up alcohol for you, but she will let you in in her impaired world. She would spill all her secrets and expect you to not care. She would cry to you and rant on her pointless existence. And then she would laugh, like nothing ever went wrong. And then she would thank you. She may not remember everything you said the morning after, but she would remember that you were with her. And for this girl, that is more than enough.

When you find this girl, run away. Run away from her. This is the kind of girl your mother warned you about. She has nothing to offer you but a shitload of baggage her life is cluttered with. Because a girl who drinks knows reality. She knows how fucked up everything and everyone is. A girl who drinks is just a girl looking for escape. Be her escape. 

When you find this girl, run away. Run away with her. This is the kind of girl your father fell in love with but didn't marry. She has nothing to offer you but the great elation of being under the influence. She’s a whirlwind of sober thoughts and drunk judgement combined. She definitely won’t give you a bright future, but she would leave you a memorable past. And in the short time you would spend with her, she will give you one thing in return —she would be your escape.

Years later, she will crash your wedding, intoxicated. She will call for a toast —a bottle of whiskey raised— for you and your beautiful bride, retelling all the drunk nights you can’t remember and all the crazy sex you had together. She will destroy your life one last time as your betrothed exits the church in tears. She will curse the priest and all your quintessential guests in the house of your God, laughing as the security tries to escort her out. She’ll blow you one last kiss before she disappears out the door, out of your life. Then you’ll find yourself smiling and running, not after your perfect wife-to-be, but after that damaged girl who drinks —that bitch who wrecked your life. You’d see her sitting two steps down, dressed very provocatively in a little white dress, a pair of leopard skin 6-inch killer heels in hand, and the whiskey on the other. You call out to her and ask her why. She would turn around, stare into your eyes, wondering if you think that it’s wrong, or do feel that this is right. She would take a swig. And then she would answer you, and tell you that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter whether the bottle is half empty or half full. What matters is there’s half left —and that half is yours.

Then she would smile that little smile, and offer you a drink.

Chapters of Life

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.

All you can do is be someone who can be loved. 

The rest is up to them.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.

And it's not the end of the world.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.

After that, you'd better know something.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do.

I've learned that it's not what happens to people, it's what they do about it.

I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.

I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. 

It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done regardless of the consequences.

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it.

I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned that true friendship continues to grow even over the longest distance.

Same goes for true love.

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.

Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean that they don't love each other.

And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions.

I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I've learned that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves get farther in life.

I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I've learned that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.

I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.

I've learned to love and be loved.